When does a person become an adult? Is it when they reach a certain age, 18 or 21, the age they can vote? When they've first had sex, when they've got a job? When? I think it's when they have truly found out who they are, and I think it takes a lot longer than most would think. We spend most of our lives playing games of one sort or another. We are our own Holy Grail. Not an original thought, but one that is very true. {18 Feb. '99}
Hi, back again. I was going to add something here but went to make a cup of coffee first and forgot what it was, shit I hate that! {25 Feb. '99}
O.K. People of the Net, tell me, I have told you what I am but have I told you who I am? I think not, Big Scary Thing that. Maybe one day, maybe not. Maybe you can see between the creases, huh? {5 Mar. '99}
How I'm feeling tonight (and I quote Jethro Tull)
Now let me draw the jungle line -I'm not happy. {6 Mar. '99}
I won't cross yours if you don't cross mine.
Won't make trouble, I don't need no fuss
but I'm wounded, old and I'm Treacherous.
Yar, I'm not happy at all. I think I am slipping into a bit of a depression. No, I Know I am getting depressed again. Sunday (7 mar) I was real agitated, shit-livered, could no do anything for long. And now, two days later I'm breaking down every so often. I'm trying to see if I can switch my thinking off when it starts. I figure if I can stop thinking I'll have it easier getting though this pass, but it's uphill. When something goes wrong when your like this it really goes wrong. My cassette player in the truck broke. Now I haven't hit or thrown anything in a fair while, but today, well anyway couldn't fix it at all. Then I had to go to my sister's place, one of my nieces turn 16 today and I feeling as I was I wasn't going to go, when I get depressed I seem to get paranoid as well (you really don't want to know me now huh!), and I get to think bad about everybody, family included. Well I went anyway and glad I did I guess. She's a very pretty girl, lovely natured too. All the kids were there, I haven't seen them in more than a month or so. So I ended up feeling a bit better, but still very much outside it all, sometimes more like a fly on the wall. One good thing though, later when I got home I fixed the cassette player, least ways now I can listen to what I want to hear not what the radio dishes out. Whoa, I feel better for getting that out, thank for listening. {9 Mar. '99}
I took holidays in february, four weeks, stayed home and did little. I've been staying at my mum's place until I get some idea of what I'm going to do, and get some money together. While I had my holidays she went to New Zealand for three weeks. I had the house to myself. Except for visiting Dad a couple of times and going shopping I didn't see anybody. Bliss, I thoroughly enjoyed it. If reincarnation is true then I think I must have been a hermit living in a cave up on some mountain somewhere. When I do get my own place, in the next month or two, nobody is invited. One thing I must make sure of when I get a house is that I can have a dog, very very important that!. {12 Mar '99}
Well, I've been doing something I didn't think I'd be doing, Chatting. I'd thought I'd give the chat lines a chance. It's more fun than i thought it would be. I'm not much of a talker at the best of times, but I found it wasn't so bad. Sometimes I just sit back and watch other talk, but some times I'll loosen up the fingers and join in. I've gotten into Lycos chat and WBS Chat. If you see me say hullo, my tag is Taklon *g*. {14 Mar '99}
On the improve, I seem to be coming out of the hole I've been in. Slowly to be sure but up none the less. I can tell you it is a real drag, bad enough feeling down at any time but depression is bad news. I did a questionaire once testing you for the level of depression you were at. I scored 29, 30 being classed at the start of severe depression. Made me depressed thinking out it. Funny thing is at the core I am basically an optimist, probably why I'm still around. Well, main thing is I can still have a chuckle at life. {17 Mar. '99}
My favorite joke;
Man driving down road, gets a flat tyre.Sometimes I think I know how the lunatic feels. {17 Mar. '99}
Pulls up outside lunatic asylum, a lunatic stands at the fence watching him.
Man nervously changes tyre, get spare out of back of car,
takes hubcap off, takes wheelnuts off, puts nuts in hubcap.
Takes of flat tyre, puts on new wheel, trips on hubcap,
wheel nuts fall into long grass.
Man cries out 'What am I going to do?'
Lunatic says 'Take one wheelnut off each other wheel,
use them to fix the spare, that will get you to next town.'
Man says 'Thats brilliant, why are you in an asylum for?'
Lunatic says 'I'm here for being crazy, not stupid!'
If I don't know me, How can you? If I don't understand me, How can you? They say walk a mile in my shoes and you'll know me. I've walked all my life in mine and I still don't know me! {24 Mar '99}
Just listening to the song "Dweller on the Threshold", as I feel I am, but on the threshold of what. And if I knew would it help? I anger myself with my deadheadedness, I feel alone at times, wishing for company but when the opportunaty is there I let the moment slide by. I've just come back from a recall (I am on 24hr recall for work). The customer a young woman, attractive, and seemed well disposed to me. A glib talker could have ground with her, with who knows what possiblities. But my brain switches off, and I leave frustrated, disappointed with myself yet again. Not that I am sexually frustrated, sex has less of a hold on me as time goes on, but just... but just if I could put it into words.
Perhaps though it is just as well, I save making a fool of myself, and any other mistakes that may come of it. Maybe I will just place myself in the hands of the Fates and trust that when the time does come I will know. {27 Mar '99}
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